Why I Was Scared Of Letting Go Of My ED

As we close out this #eatingdisorderawarenessweek, I was compelled to share my story as a means to letting you know that it is totally okay to feel that it is hard going through recovery alone.

🥀 How can we make it easier? How can we take the path of least resistance?

🎈 I learnt it is to embrace *all* of me and so, to trace why I was scared of letting go of my ED was a breakthrough. ⁣ · I was afraid that I would hate myself even more. when I thought of recovery I unconsciously associated my "natural weight" to putting on weight.⁣ ⁣ · everybody around me would think I was not "keeping it together". I was indoctrinated by talks of how so and so has "let go" whenever they seem outwardly to have put on weight. I never saw it that way － in fact I have always felt that every person is beautiful in their own way － except for myself. And yet, I self-flagellated to remain "in shape" so I can "maintain a good image".⁣ ⁣ · being told that I was lazy whenever I was not working out and pushing my limits. Again, this goes back to my quiet striving to be the best and not knowing how to set boundaries when it came to people-pleasing.⁣ ⁣ · Stockholm Syndrome. I remained captive by the hectoring inner critic because I thought that was good for me － so that I could be better, do better, reach further and never settle. Little did I know that one could do so much more, be so much more, by embodying love, compassion and kindness. ⁣ ⁣ · I believed that eating less and looking thinner meant I was better and a good person. I believed that when I have not eaten to satisfaction I had "willpower" and doing more good than harm. This goes far to show that the diet culture that has programmed our subconscious judgement of hunger and fullness and different figures and silhouettes is incredibly deeply ingrained in us. ⁣ ⁣ Stuck in this loop I believed that I was alone and became more alone as I built this fortress around me. I could not believe in love. I could not dare to love. I just felt no one was going to love me. I know now it is my beliefs that had kept me feeling alone.

🕊🍃 I want you to know you don't have to do this alone. Reaching out is the first step to recovery.