My eating disorder began with a dress.
18 years ago, when I found myself caught half unzipped in a dress that was clearly too small for me, my flesh spilling over the corset and cold sweat as well as sweat from exertion coating my skin, I swore with tear-stung eyes when I called out for help from the sales assistant that I would never be caught in this kind of situation ever again.
That was the moment I decided to believe that I needed to be perfect － and perfect meant to me then, as skinny and unobtrusive (e.g. easily find a size for my body, not attract fat comments) as possible － at all costs. I made it a mission to fit into this dress.
Flash forth to 2021, as my wedding looms nearer, this memory crept back in. Because of the uncertain times when delays are almost the norm by now, my dress is standing patiently still in time, my measurements from the last time I went to see my bridal dress designer, immortalised in sequins and lace.
The interesting thing to observe is how many people around me expect me to stay in the same shape and "maintain" this measurement － in short, to stand still in time too.
When you see it from this perspective, it seems rather daft, doesn't it?
To expect one, a human being, to remain in status quo now and forever.
In Zen, there is a Japanese saying that I know many of my clients will say is my defining quote: ichi-go-ichie · 一期一會 · One chance, one encounter ·. We are constantly evolving and changing, as the Universe continues to unfold and evolve.
It is impossible to ask one living breathing being to remain consistently the same for the next minute, let alone forever.
The need to control, to keep and maintain a state of perfection, often leads to depression, anxiety, and fear. For me, my coping mechanism was through my relentless control of my body and food intake. The more I restricted my food, the more in control I felt. But here, the loop never ended － I was never happy, and I never found the middle space where I could feel contentment and joy.
This is because I had severed all connections, thus losing touch with my innate intuition, shutting down any sensorial pleasures of the body, and completely plating up my heart with metal hard armour.
The spirit has lost its home.
When our spirit is truly anchored in by our body, our physical existence is merely the beginning of our love affair with the Universe. Through this divine relationship we begin to see that there is no need for weighing scales, no need for report cards or certificates to validate our egos.
Your ego is probably fighting real hard to disagree with this statement, but remember, that is your ego's job － to protect you and thus keep you, no matter what better future is at stake, in the same frame of thought, in the same mindset.
That is how the evil cycle, the constant loop of perfectionism, sets in.
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What do you see is possible for you when you lead a healthy, vibrant life?
Actions threaded through by stillness.
I offer:
🌟 1-1 mentorship {Mandala}
🌟 Zen apprenticeship {SHUNYATA} ~ 3-month or monthly basis
🌟 three-month Cha Dao Circle, registration is now open for March 28 intake.
🪶 I also work with beings healing from disordered eating privately. please DM to or book via link in bio to get on a free Share and Heal Session with me to map out your challenges and come up with a beautiful solution together. I also have free resources up for grabs one click of the link away.
🤍🕊 All details in link in bio, or DM me to chat!