We all have that voice that tells us we are never good enough.
I honour this voice because I know how much it is trying to look out for me here.
I also know this voice is an amalgamation of all the voices that have shaped and conditioned me over the years. It was a constant companion to my eating disorder.
What changed for me was I embraced this voice instead of shutting it out.
Every single time we shut it out, we also die a little inside because we continue to hate ourselves for getting annoyed by it.
So I embraced it. I listened to all its got to say.
The voice took on the voice of my mother. I listened to the criticisms and fearful talk.
And then I took it by its hand. I touched it by the head and said it is okay. I am not going anywhere. I am not deserting you.
Later on I also used these ho'oponopono phrases to reinforce my meditative conversation with the voice:
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
The truth is I always have a choice. Because of this process of releasing my need to please my mother I had been able to see that the convoluted intertwining of my need for approval and her loving protectiveness for me led me to this self-destruction.
A self-destruction that needed to happen.
I saw clearly that it is not her fault that I was experiencing this.
And in this releasing and forgiving of both her voice and myself, I release that self-sabotaging tight grip on a story of her high, impossible expectations. Whether that is true or not no longer mattered.
Subconsciously when I accepted that this self-destruction needed to happen; that I needed to let this die to come back to life again; that I even needed to leave home to let my authentic self come through － I made a conscious step after another to clarity.
This is such a game changer for me because not only am I now able to see through the voice and observe its comings and goings, I am also no longer triggered － and I know how tricky this terrain is to navigate when you are in recovery. This is what I want to share with you so you stand a chance for full recovery without having to ever worry about relapsing again.
There are spaces available for anybody who feels called to join the next Sacred Circle on February 28, 12pm GMT. You can join via Eventbrite or become a member of the private facebook group The Sacred Way To Body Acceptance: A Space To Be Free Of Disordered Eating and partake in every Circle for free.
This Circle is open to all who seek to mend their relationship with food and their bodies, and to remember Your Body Is The Home For Your Spirit.
Know that your existence is a treasure. Know that this experience with your body now is your gift.
Recovery is sloppy, but it doesn't mean it is impossible. It means this is your sacred moment to step into that expansive space of your soul that lives right there in the vast Universe of so many unknowns.
It means this is your time to learn to let go and truly live a life that is free.
Know that there is no pressure to speak or share. You can simply come and be witnessed, be held and be part of an open non-judgmental space, shared by beings on a similar journey.