I have been at different weights and in different body sizes throughout my eating disorder, and I definitely did not feel any more contented at any stage.
No matter what weight I was at I always felt not enough.
I was not happy ever.
Becoming aware of this at last was my big wakeup call that the size of my body is not what needs to change.
I used to think it is so embarrassing and full of myself to declare that I love my body. 😅
I used to think going for hours without food was like a f*cking good achievement － and that Kate Moss said it right when she said "nothing feels as good as skinny feels".
There is nothing wrong with eating when you're not experiencing physical hunger.
Complete Satiation isn't just about filling your stomach up with food.
Complete satiation comes from joy of eating, of sharing platters and making friends and memories with food.
Likewise, loving your body doesn't mean full-time love and light.
It is loving yourself despite moments when you feel all the emotions society would have us believe are shameful, ie. Ashamed, angry, upset, less than perfect.
It is embracing you all the way though your darkest days and saying you don't like the way your body look right now in those vulnerable times and knowing despite all that you and your body still have each other.
We give meaning to food. We weave stories around food based on the consciously and unconscious seeds that are embedded in the subconscious, driving our own narrative.
Eventually food becomes an "enemy"/"indulgence", a "guilty pleasure"/"cheat day".
I used to associate fried food and desserts as pure evil, impurities that I would not deign to put into my body.
Now I am naturally attracted to high vibrational food and eat to satiety.
Oh and I am also at peace with my plate and completely okay with cheat days on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or Friday or Saturday or Sunday － you get the idea.
When I walk into the Sacred space where I devote myself to the practice that led me to my full recovery － and continues to lead me to my true nature － every single day, I know I have come home － to this body, in touch with the divine and my highest self.
I can go about my day, moving from a centre of innermost stillness.
I no longer move from a place where I am constantly seeking for external validation.
I am consistently reminded to never judge, and this allows me to come from a place of compassion with others.
I could simply be by being plugged into my body and to embody fully how it feels to be in my body.
It means loving every aspect I love about me, and coming to embrace and soothe the parts of me of which I am not too proud.
I can release all that do not serve me and see myself become more than my mind can ever imagine possible.
And that moves me and excites me!
I am seeing the extraordinary in every ordinary moment.
I am expressing my desires and my emotions without any shame or embarrassment.
🕊 If you're ready to break the cycle of disordered eating for good and heal your relationship with food and your body － to finish the endless dieting, starving and bingeing, shame and guilt, once and for all...