If you have struggled with or are recovering from an eating disorder, chances are that you have had an intervention or several of sorts.
The same for me happened.
☢ When I got together with my exes I had wanted to look perfect for them.
☢ When I broke up with them I felt inadequate, as if my world was crumbling down on me.
☢ I even went through a time when I wanted to change my appearance just so that I could be accepted by my friends and men with whom I have gone on dates, simply because I was so susceptible and willing to mould myself to suit their beliefs.
At this point I was committed to my full recovery via intuitive eating. Whenever I felt the old voice rise up I would step out of the comfort zone and do something that scared me. Whatever that scared me, I would say, yup, I am going to eat this/go out and have fun with my friends/accept this invitation and go in without expectations. I knew this worked to rewire my neuropathways and banish the unconscious patterns I had built throughout my anorexic years.
However, even though this was a milestone in terms of my recovery progress, I was still miserable and depressed and utterly insecure. I knew it had to stop. I began to self-induce with a lot of self-love mantras and law of attraction texts. I also found that yoga was able to open portals to my body that I have never experienced before. I began to feel in touch with my body, and one night, I experienced my first ever kundalini awakening. I could still remember: the energy snaking up my spine, the full embodiment of my astral energy. It was as though I could touch every cell in my body, see them scintillating before my eyes with aliveness, and feel my third eye open up.
Truth be told, 3 years into my full recovery, I met my current fiancé ❤ and was definitely tempted by that old voice in me to look pretty perfect for him.
🌊 But this time around, I have already created a safe container in which I could sit serene as a mountain when these thoughts and triggers enter my periphery.
This time, I could trust the unknown.
I have learnt to surrender to the Universe, knowing that the flow of the cosmos will always do what is for my highest good.
It took time and understanding, but when I connected the dots I was able to feel again. I felt all the emotions and feelings that needed to be felt, and I can let them all go.
Now that I have awoken to the truth that
this body is a vessel of my Starseed soul
This body that is the manifestation of a trillion of lightyears matters, stardust and stories of the Milky Way.
I know now that the only person who can stand in my way is myself. I dissolve this Self and become Awareness, resting in the Quietude of the Great Mother ~ The flow of the Universe ~ what the mystics and sages called the Dao.
🌊 A Space To Be Free 〰️ a 6-month Journey for beings seeking to be free from body image issues and support and accountability in maintaining a lifelong full disordered eating recovery through holistic rituals and intuitive practices. Ready to break the cycle? Link in bio.