Being Okay With Being Not Okay

🤍 Being okay with declaring out loud that I am not okay 🤍⁣

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🧝🏻‍♀️ And so this is me, standing here, declaring that I have not been okay.⁣

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A slow rot had begun to eat away inside of me. ⁣

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Having learnt the powerful transformative practices that root me in and centre me,  I knew that this was very much an emotional shock to the system and ego-fuelled. ⁣

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I was fully aware (in my head).⁣

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Looking back now, I moved on from the shock very quickly because I thought knowing this would be enough.⁣

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🤦🏻‍♀️ I went about doing, carrying out plans, keeping things in order, holding space for others with a view that as I do this I would feel like myself again and be buoyed up again, reinspired by this precious gift of holding space for others.⁣

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I had sat and quietly allowed my work to take over, thinking I would rise above this eventually.⁣

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Every day I would scan my body and find myself saying out loud, "I am scared".⁣

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Every day, I could feel my body heavy on the floor, pinned on the couch, paralysed into inertia.⁣

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🥀 Seemingly out of nowhere, I eventually lost the confidence to show up to talk about what I do.⁣

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And even then. Even then. I kept showing up, thinking that this was different to the times when I used to have a job I saw as a job.⁣

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This is work that doesn't feel like work.⁣

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It has always felt like an extension of me.⁣

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The ego has a way of imbibing this.⁣

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Before I knew it, the shock had completely paralysed me.⁣

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🕊 My soul was desperately speaking to me, but I could not hear her.⁣

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Reaching out to just let the words unravel out loud from my head was the catalyst I needed.⁣

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🛑 I recognised this as a somatic panic attack.⁣

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And recognising this, I set the intention to walk into my Tea space.⁣

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I used the Judgement Detox technique I teach my clients on myself.⁣

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🕯 I allowed me to hold me.⁣

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I allowed my chest to heave with the heaviness it has been carrying.⁣

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🌊 I allowed my mind to drop all my love and attention onto Spirit.⁣

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🤍 And then I saw Spirit look up and train her gaze on me.⁣

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💗 The gaze carried all the love I had sent out to her back to me.⁣

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💙 I received. I sat in total stillness to receive.⁣

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💗 My heart expanded. My belly, the chamber of wisdom, lifted and filled up.⁣

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🌟 My solar plexus, the centre of Self, began to relax in this craddle of deep knowing.⁣

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🌈 My breath continued to travel up to my throat, where creativity and creation seek to be manifested through my truth, prose, poetry.⁣

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🌌 My third eye pulsated and fired laser light into the point of attention beyond me, from my inner cosmos to the outer Universe. ⁣

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🕊 My crown chakra set free the sacred Dove to fly, to travel to where she needs to go, in order to come bringing back to me messages I need to hear.⁣

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🦋 I feel my energetic body fan out in beautiful butterfly hues. I reached my arms out and felt the velvety density on my fingertips.⁣

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🌌 My lucid body travelled upward, uniting with the heavens above.⁣

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🌕 Light, I turned into a droplet of golden light.⁣

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And as the light traversed back down into my etheric body, I embraced my physical body, each and every cell and organ was squeezed with impartial love, until the light reached the base of my spine, my mula bandha, and then I exhaled deeply into earth.⁣

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☯️ Thanking Mother Earth's yin energy, a potent source of stillness and alchemy, a place where all that dies away can be alchemised in her fiery belly, turning metal into gold.⁣

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🦚 My sacrum pulsed with intense love and pleasure, and I rose before my own inner eye, I wriggled and traced every part of the core of my body to move upwards to unite with my Soulful Self. ⁣

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🧝🏻‍♀️ As we touched, I dissolved into no-thingness, and I see with my eyes beyond what I previously saw before this moment.⁣

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Empty out to be filled up again. Then empty out again to remain open to be filled up again.⁣

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This.⁣

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📿 This is the powerful practice that gives me trust, that limitless spaciousness to step into my darkness and alchemises me, each and every time I fall.⁣

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💙 Trust that I can never lose something that I own.⁣

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🤍 Trust that life is overflowing with divine energy when I Trust.⁣

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A daily reminder to me and you to allow yourself to be held and supported. 🙏🏻🍃