Being Okay With Being Not Okay
🤍 Being okay with declaring out loud that I am not okay 🤍
🧝🏻♀️ And so this is me, standing here, declaring that I have not been okay.
A slow rot had begun to eat away inside of me.
Having learnt the powerful transformative practices that root me in and centre me, I knew that this was very much an emotional shock to the system and ego-fuelled.
I was fully aware (in my head).
Looking back now, I moved on from the shock very quickly because I thought knowing this would be enough.
🤦🏻♀️ I went about doing, carrying out plans, keeping things in order, holding space for others with a view that as I do this I would feel like myself again and be buoyed up again, reinspired by this precious gift of holding space for others.
I had sat and quietly allowed my work to take over, thinking I would rise above this eventually.
Every day I would scan my body and find myself saying out loud, "I am scared".
Every day, I could feel my body heavy on the floor, pinned on the couch, paralysed into inertia.
🥀 Seemingly out of nowhere, I eventually lost the confidence to show up to talk about what I do.
And even then. Even then. I kept showing up, thinking that this was different to the times when I used to have a job I saw as a job.
This is work that doesn't feel like work.
It has always felt like an extension of me.
The ego has a way of imbibing this.
Before I knew it, the shock had completely paralysed me.
🕊 My soul was desperately speaking to me, but I could not hear her.
Reaching out to just let the words unravel out loud from my head was the catalyst I needed.
🛑 I recognised this as a somatic panic attack.
And recognising this, I set the intention to walk into my Tea space.
I used the Judgement Detox technique I teach my clients on myself.
🕯 I allowed me to hold me.
I allowed my chest to heave with the heaviness it has been carrying.
🌊 I allowed my mind to drop all my love and attention onto Spirit.
🤍 And then I saw Spirit look up and train her gaze on me.
💗 The gaze carried all the love I had sent out to her back to me.
💙 I received. I sat in total stillness to receive.
💗 My heart expanded. My belly, the chamber of wisdom, lifted and filled up.
🌟 My solar plexus, the centre of Self, began to relax in this craddle of deep knowing.
🌈 My breath continued to travel up to my throat, where creativity and creation seek to be manifested through my truth, prose, poetry.
🌌 My third eye pulsated and fired laser light into the point of attention beyond me, from my inner cosmos to the outer Universe.
🕊 My crown chakra set free the sacred Dove to fly, to travel to where she needs to go, in order to come bringing back to me messages I need to hear.
🦋 I feel my energetic body fan out in beautiful butterfly hues. I reached my arms out and felt the velvety density on my fingertips.
🌌 My lucid body travelled upward, uniting with the heavens above.
🌕 Light, I turned into a droplet of golden light.
And as the light traversed back down into my etheric body, I embraced my physical body, each and every cell and organ was squeezed with impartial love, until the light reached the base of my spine, my mula bandha, and then I exhaled deeply into earth.
☯️ Thanking Mother Earth's yin energy, a potent source of stillness and alchemy, a place where all that dies away can be alchemised in her fiery belly, turning metal into gold.
🦚 My sacrum pulsed with intense love and pleasure, and I rose before my own inner eye, I wriggled and traced every part of the core of my body to move upwards to unite with my Soulful Self.
🧝🏻♀️ As we touched, I dissolved into no-thingness, and I see with my eyes beyond what I previously saw before this moment.
Empty out to be filled up again. Then empty out again to remain open to be filled up again.
This.
📿 This is the powerful practice that gives me trust, that limitless spaciousness to step into my darkness and alchemises me, each and every time I fall.
💙 Trust that I can never lose something that I own.
🤍 Trust that life is overflowing with divine energy when I Trust.
A daily reminder to me and you to allow yourself to be held and supported. 🙏🏻🍃